Thoughts on Beginning a New Year, of Broken Resolutions, and Feeling Old

I realized I haven't posted this year. It's almost mid- January. And to that I say, hooray! January is just one of those months I could do without.

Anyway, it's 2011. A new decade. I can't believe it. I have to tell you, it makes me feel old. As I've said before, I don't want to come across as annoying when I say I feel old when I'm only 28 (though I'll be 29 next month) -- it's like skinny girls who say they need to lose weight (grrrrrr....).  But just the other day, we were driving past my alma mater, Utah Valley University, and the thought suddenly popped into my head, "Holy crap! I graduated from college seven years ago."  I graduated from high school eleven years ago. This year, I'll be celebrating my eighth wedding anniversary. This year, my baby will turn five. Five! I'm going to become a mother of two (not to say that being a mother to one child is a cakewalk, but having two kids is like...whoa).  And 2011 is the last year of my 20s. I swear it was like a couple years ago that I was still living with my parents and spending all my money at Gap and on No Doubt and Weezer CDs. Weird.

In other news, I've already broken a couple resolutions. It was bound to happen, right?

Broken resolution #1
So I made a goal to work on the first draft of my novel EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  It sounds hard, but I set the bar pretty low -- if I wrote even a single sentence, that would count. Yeah, I couldn't do that. Around January 4th or 5th, I got into bed, glanced over at my little blue netbook, and rationalized, "Anything I write when I'm this tired will be deleted tomorrow anyway." Then I feel asleep in like two seconds.

It's been two years now -- two years! -- since I started my first draft.  I don't know why it's taking so long, but it is. Everything I've read about writing says that your first draft should be crappy, or, as a friend once told me, like your brain threw up on the page. They say to worry about cleaning it up later. But old habits are hard to break and I'm a perfectionist with stuff like this. And I think that's why resolutions don't really work for me. Once I break one, I struggle to get back on it. It's like when you're on a diet but then slip up and eat something you shouldn't. You admit defeat and before you know it, you've eaten almost half a package of Oreos. What? You've never done that? Huh.

So, sorry if you're sick of hearing about The First Draft. Maybe I'll get it done before baby comes in March. I've only got about...1/3 left of it to write. *sigh*

Broken Resolution #2
The universe keeps reminding me about how important family dinners are. But I'm telling you, when dinnertime rolls around my energy level plummets. I usually conjure something up, but there are also lots of nights where I throw in the towel and go out and get something. Some days I just can't deal with more time in the kitchen or another battle over what I've cooked (the boy isn't necessarily picky, but there are just some things he refuses to try. To my relief, he actually tried -- and liked -- the chicken tikka masala I made tonight). I love to cook, but there are just days I can't do it for the life of me. Is that lame?  In any case, I made a goal to cook dinner more regularly and have it all nice at the table.

For the last week of December into the first week of January, I was awesome. It felt so good to be cooking again, especially using the new gadgets and cookbooks I got for Christmas (Kevin got me a pasta maker. It's so cool! And I'm now spoiled because homemade pasta is ridiculously delicious). But then the energy slump kicked in and we hit In-N-Out. Enter the shame of another broken resolution. However, I did make dinner tonight and we ate it at the table. I'm going to sew some cute placemats tomorrow as incentive to keep plugging along.

All that said, the beginning of 2011 hasn't been all that bad. Just a couple days into the year, Kevin got his bonus check from work (home improvements, anyone?).  We've also been doing really well with our family scripture reading goal. Plus, I can say now that my due date is in a couple months instead of next year. Best of all, I feel like I have it a little more together and my head is a lot clearer (and less anxious) than it has been in a long time. Maybe that's just a benefit of getting another year older. If so, I welcome the wisdom.