After These Things

When I was in high school, I think I got a kick out of telling my Young Women leaders that I might get married someday. Asserting my independence from men was the only way this girl on the straight-and-narrow rebelled in high school. The leaders would get this concerned look on their faces and say, "Don't you want to get married?"  I'd say sure, but I'd also rattle off a list of things I'd also like to do. Go to college. Get a Bachelor's, Master's, even a Doctorate degree. Travel. Go on a mission. Live in a big city. Work for a newspaper, magazine, or publishing house. Write a book. Teach at a university, or even just a high school. Maybe I'd squeeze marriage in there someday.  As for kids?  Even though I (secretly) wanted to be a wife and mother someday, I also bought into the notion that being a housewife and stay-at-home mom was drudgery compared to all the other things I wanted to do. I mean, I'd spent plenty of time baby-sitting other people's kids. Did I want that 24/7? Nope.

And then one of my leaders said something to me one Sunday that was life-altering. I'm sure that leader doesn't even remember, but it struck home with me. After rattling off my life's to-do list yet again (how annoying that must have gotten for everyone else!) and how marriage and motherhood would prevent it, she said, right in the middle of class, "Heather, you can do all of those things if you want. You should do them! Just remember there's a time and season for everything." Then I had one of those a-ha! moments: marriage and family life might sidetrack some of my plans, but they didn't stop them from happening. Sometimes we just experience delays in life, not necessarily cancellations. Wanting to be a wife and mother someday didn't mean I was giving up everything after all.

So why do I mention all of this?  I read an article on Salon.com the other day that got me thinking about where I fit in the "Mormon Mommy" culture. It's been kind of bothering me.  Am I "just" a housewife, a woman who forgot about the aspirations of her youth and gave into cultural pressure? No. Not even close. As that wise Young Women leader reminded me, there's a time and a season for everything. Currently, I'm in the mothering young children season of my life. The other things will come someday.

The article I'm talking about was written by a self-proclaimed feminist addicted to "Mormon Mommy Blogs". I found it both interesting and irritating. She wrote of how these blogs are an "escapist fantasy" that's "weirdly uplifting", an insight into a world filled with cupcake-making and "picture-perfect catalog lives." Most importantly, according to the author, we Mormon women blog because we "face immense cultural pressure to stay home with children rather than pursue a career, blogging about their adventures in homemaking becomes a sort of creative outlet, a way of contributing to the larger world beyond the home." 

Where do I begin?

I'll say that I thought it was nice that the author, Emily Matchar, found women finding joy in motherhood uplifting, even if it was weirdly so.  I'm glad that she appreciated the message that family life is wonderful. That said, I found the article mostly condescending.

According to her, the typical Mormon woman has nothing better to do than shop at Anthropologie (as much as I'd like to, it's not within my budget!), doing cute craft projects, and throwing dinner parties for all our cookie-cutter friends. We all get married straight out of high school and have all of our children by our early 20s. We spend our free time sewing, baking, and drinking copious amounts of hot chocolate. Our lives are blissfully easy. As a friend of the author is quoted in the article,  "I'm just jealous. I want to arrange flowers all day too!"

But that friend has more important things to do than us Mormon women. She's spent her days working in a lab. In the real world. The other women Matchar knows that are obsessed with "Mormon Mommy Blogs" are in graduate school, toiling away in the world of academia. I wouldn't mind being in graduate school myself, but I guess I'm too busy in my unproblematic wonderland.

Sarcasm aside, I can see how the author might get that idea. Blogs aren't always honest -- we show our best sides. I try to be honest, but it's hard. I won't lie and say that certain blogs don't make me feel like an unorganized, ugly mess. I don't fit the stereotype portrayed by Matchar. Honestly, I don't know many people who do. At least I'm not friends with them. That said, I think people like the author of the Salon.com article, a "standard-issue late-20-something childless overeducated atheist feminist"  don't want to take a closer look at us Mormon bloggers. It's a lot easier to write us off as repressed women living in a fantasy land instead of really looking into why we do what we do.

That's not to say I don't love homemaking. I have another blog entirely devoted to frugal homemaking. I love to bake and cook. I just learned how to sew last year and I enjoy it. I may get more enjoyment out of vintage depictions of housewives than I should, but a glorified, Mormon, modern-day June Cleaver I am not. My house is rarely sparkling clean (and when it is, it doesn't last long) and there are more nights than I'd like to admit that we eat crappy Little Caesar's pizza. I try my hardest to make my house a home, though.

I also love being a mother. In high school, motherhood never appealed to me. Even after I got married, I never really felt "baby-hungry".  I would look at the couples with babies and think about how cute they were but also thinking how much I loved sleeping.  Eventually, though, I warmed to the idea. Three and half years later, I was in the throes of motherhood, with all the stretch marks, sleep deprivation, midnight nursings, loads of dirty diapers, and the most challenging and enlightening experience of my life. Motherhood is not easy, but, as with most hard things, it's completely worth it.
 
But how can a woman be content, even happy, being "just" a mother? I think that's what this article asks but doesn't really answer.

Matchar writes "Mormons are particularly famous for their 'put on a happy face' attitude. The church teaches that the Gospel is the only authentic path to true happiness. So if you're a faithful follower, you better be happy, right?" She also writes that, without fail, you will find on these "Mormon Mommy Blogs" a widget of a temple that links to the Church website, as if we're compelled to put it on there. Are we compelled to put it on there?

One of the tenets of our religion, as outlined in our Articles of Faith, is,

"We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Maybe that's why the "Mormon Mommy Blogs" have garnered attention. We seek after things that are "virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy." Why not focus on the positive aspects of life instead of mulling constantly over the negative? Why not share what you love about motherhood or being a woman instead of complaining about what you don't love?  If cultivating a talent for baking, gardening, crafting, sewing, photography, or anything else brings you joy, why not tell the world about it? If anything, the world needs more optimism and more lovely things.

That's not to say we shouldn't be honest.  Life isn't perfect for anyone, no matter how hard they try to seem so on their blogs. The women I admire have experienced all sorts of things; the "Mormon Mommy" blogs I read aren't all lollipops and sunshine. One of my friends' blog is refreshingly open about all the ups and downs of parenthood - from stories about bathroom mishaps at the pool (I laughed so hard at that one) to troubles at school to the challenges of dealing with Asperger's syndrome.  Another blog I love isn't afraid to explore all sorts of emotions -- the joys of motherhood, but also the frustrations of infertility, the sorrow over the loss of a parent, and her family's journey through the adoption process.  I'll never forget reading a blog post from a friend and fellow "Mormon Mommy", who in heart-breaking and beautiful honesty expressed what it was like to have a stillborn baby.  There are blogs from Mormon women who are married, unmarried, in the midst of parenthood, without children, mothers who stay-at-home, mothers who work.  This is our cultural experience as Mormon women -- how we can, despite trials and challenges, still find beauty in the everyday and put on a brave, even happy, face as we endure to the end.

That is why we put the temple widget on our blogs that link to the Church's website. No matter how hard life gets, it's our faith, our trust in a loving God, that keeps us going, that keeps us seeking those praiseworthy things. Why wouldn't we want to share that with anyone who will listen?  That's one of the reasons I love Stephanie Nielson's blog, The NieNie Dialogues, so much. Sure, she fits some of the descriptions in the Salon article, but there's so much more to her blog. How can a woman, who seems to be given such an unbearable trial, face life with such optimism and joy? Those who have read her blog know -- and I can't blame anyone for being drawn to it, no matter their reasons.